Friday, November 23, 2012

Feeling... normal??

It has been a little over 2 years since my separation from my ex-husband.  Divorce, I don't really recommend it.

However, finally resigning myself to a life that wasn't picture perfect did a lot of good for me.  In the course of the year that followed my separation, I found myself out of an emotionally damaging relationship both with my ex-husband and with myself.  I finally accepted that what other people think about my life has little to nothing to do with my happiness.

This emotionally damaging relationship with myself had a lot of different layers - I'll spare you the drawing out of it, but it had to do with the way I grew up in the church AND my own deep seeded self esteem issues that came from every place imaginable.  A year and a half ago, I might have told you that all of my problems stemmed from the same place - my childhood in the Mormon church.  This is not true - and I can finally accept that.

Don't get me wrong.  There is plenty of things wrong with Mormonism and it's teachings and it will certainly always have something to do with my past, but you cannot take one variable in a list of them - and choose to disregard the rest.

I still find myself somewhere in middle ground.  I'm not a believer - I see a lot of the bad that comes from the Mormon church directly and indirectly because of it, but I also see a lot of the good.  I see bad people in Mormonism, but I also see a lot of good.  Some of my best, most loyal friends are Mormons.  The problem is that I still belong neither here nor there.

I don't get along with exmormons (or at least the Utah variety of exmormons) - I see the standard of "people who leave the church, but can't leave it alone" is wildly true.  I know in the past year and a half, I have found myself in that standard and probably will continue at points in time.  I'm not bitter or full of hate either though.  I think that people have just as much right to their beliefs that I do to mine.  I do believe that atheism is a religion.  A lot of the reasons that I left the LDS church have been found in every "non-religious/atheist" group that I've been apart of.  Thanks, but no thanks.

I don't get along with mormons (or at least a majority of them get on my nerves) because I can't talk about the latest ward drama, my kids, or give you a touching commentary about how blessed I am to have the gospel in my life.

I don't get along with jack mormons because I find their inconsistencies too confusing - and I usually find some way to offend the beliefs that they DO still hold on to.  You never know what is okay to say when a jack mormon is around.

So where do I fit??? Well, I guess a year and a half later - I would classify myself as "normal."

Come join me and let's find the beauty in all the different shades of gray.