Friday, November 23, 2012

Feeling... normal??

It has been a little over 2 years since my separation from my ex-husband.  Divorce, I don't really recommend it.

However, finally resigning myself to a life that wasn't picture perfect did a lot of good for me.  In the course of the year that followed my separation, I found myself out of an emotionally damaging relationship both with my ex-husband and with myself.  I finally accepted that what other people think about my life has little to nothing to do with my happiness.

This emotionally damaging relationship with myself had a lot of different layers - I'll spare you the drawing out of it, but it had to do with the way I grew up in the church AND my own deep seeded self esteem issues that came from every place imaginable.  A year and a half ago, I might have told you that all of my problems stemmed from the same place - my childhood in the Mormon church.  This is not true - and I can finally accept that.

Don't get me wrong.  There is plenty of things wrong with Mormonism and it's teachings and it will certainly always have something to do with my past, but you cannot take one variable in a list of them - and choose to disregard the rest.

I still find myself somewhere in middle ground.  I'm not a believer - I see a lot of the bad that comes from the Mormon church directly and indirectly because of it, but I also see a lot of the good.  I see bad people in Mormonism, but I also see a lot of good.  Some of my best, most loyal friends are Mormons.  The problem is that I still belong neither here nor there.

I don't get along with exmormons (or at least the Utah variety of exmormons) - I see the standard of "people who leave the church, but can't leave it alone" is wildly true.  I know in the past year and a half, I have found myself in that standard and probably will continue at points in time.  I'm not bitter or full of hate either though.  I think that people have just as much right to their beliefs that I do to mine.  I do believe that atheism is a religion.  A lot of the reasons that I left the LDS church have been found in every "non-religious/atheist" group that I've been apart of.  Thanks, but no thanks.

I don't get along with mormons (or at least a majority of them get on my nerves) because I can't talk about the latest ward drama, my kids, or give you a touching commentary about how blessed I am to have the gospel in my life.

I don't get along with jack mormons because I find their inconsistencies too confusing - and I usually find some way to offend the beliefs that they DO still hold on to.  You never know what is okay to say when a jack mormon is around.

So where do I fit??? Well, I guess a year and a half later - I would classify myself as "normal."

Come join me and let's find the beauty in all the different shades of gray.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Nowhere to put this...

So for the few people that still read this, I'm sorry that I'm so boring and uninformative - and that all you get is the things that have no place in my "real life."  Today I have 3 topics for you...

1.  Smoking.
I don't smoke a lot, but I do occasionally have a cigarette or 2.  In the year and a half that Justin and I have been together, I've probably smoked a total of 10 cigarettes give or take.  I had one today... Sometimes - all it takes is just one little cigarette and the world feels allllllright.  I still don't like the smell (except when it's on Justin's breath... weird, I know) and I'll never need it, but I love having the right to indulge a little.

2.  Jack Mormons.
Jack Mormons... well - they're alright.  I've had a lot of trouble with my brother's jack mormon girlfriend lately.  Her and my brother are soon-to-be engaged, and at 28 years old, her father is requiring that my brother ask for her hand.  Not only that, but a religious discussion will ensue since my brother is an atheist aka heathen.  THIS bothers me a ton.  The girl claims to hold to her faith, but she drinks, has "intimate relations" with my brother, and pretty much lives with him - but denies this to everyone that could possibly judge her for it.  It drives me nuts.  I have never met anyone so hypocritical as she is - she even claims that she's not inactive, even though she hasn't been to church more than three or four times in the last year.  Talk about some cog dis... so yes, not so much a fan of Jack Mormons these days - even though I do like her as a person.

3.  Parents of the faith.
I had a "run in" with my mother last weekend and I was finally able to say some things to her that had been a long time coming.  She asked me if I even believe in God anymore.  I told her that I wouldn't answer that question and asked why she was asking.  She said, "To see how far gone you are."  To which I replied, "To see how far gone I am??? (She interrupts.) No mom, you need to listen to me.  You have been nothing but disrespectful to me in the last year and a half.  Questioning my morality, my character, my ability to be my own person - accusing me of swaying in the wind to whoever is around me.  Do you think it has been EASY for me to disappoint you?  Do you think this has been EASY for me?  I am a good person.  I make good decisions - and I am happy."  (Paraphrasing of course, but I did say all of those things to her).  I'm hoping it cleared the air a little bit.
My dad has yet to talk to me about it at all.  I wonder if my mom gets the brunt of my frustration because she is actually willing to talk to me, or if it is her that is behind all of the worrying for my salvation.  I really need to sit down and have a talk with both of them one of these days.

That's it....

I'm grateful for this little place in my life for all the things that have nowhere to go.