Last summer I went to Flaming Gorge Reservoir with my brother and some of his friends to go cliff jumping. I was so excited to go. I hadn't been camping in quite a few years and that with the combination of cliff jumping (something I'd never done) the anticipation had really been built up.
I remember standing at the edge of one of the smaller cliffs (although not the smallest... :-D) and staring into the water, feeling a slight breeze ripple across my body. It was at that moment that I felt like all the pain, anxiety, fear, anger, and sorrow of the past 4 years of my life hit me. My chest constricted and I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was being consumed by my fear - my fear of the life I had led and also of the life awaiting me. I think I stood there for about 20 minutes as everyone around me was jumping in or heading to even higher cliffs. People were calling to me from the water to jump. For those 20 minutes, I just couldn't let go.
I remember taking a deep breath and stepping back. When I found my way to the surface, I sucked in the fresh air and I knew that in that moment between standing on the cliff and being suspended in the air, the safety of the cliff gone - I had finally let go.