Thursday, September 30, 2010

Family (Isn't It About Time?)

As I said before, I have been a doubter/unbeliever since I was about 14 years old; however, up until I moved away from home to go to college, I was a very active member.  In my hearts of hearts I knew that things really didn't add up, but I also wanted it to be true.

Looking back on that now, I realize in many ways how messed up that really is.

The LDS church is great because it  really focuses on the family.

...until your parents don't want you to join the church, your sibling/parent/child decides to leave it, or if they do some horrendous crime such as murder or become gay (because those are the same thing, right?).

My brother is 5 years older than me and to say that it was apparent that he was never really interested in the church would be an understatement.  Finally, when he left for college it came out that he wasn't going to go on a mission and when he came back home, it was apparent that he wasn't going to go to church either.  Now, a quick salute to my parents... this never changed anything for them.  Sure, they badgered a little bit, but not a lot and they still made it very apparent that he was their son and they loved him (and not in a "despite you're not righteous" sort of way).

When my brother stopped going to church, I really struggled with the idea of the Celestial Kingdom.  So far in my life, I had done all the right things.  I had gotten baptized, I attended church weekly, read my scriptures, etc. so for all intents and purposes, if the Mormon church was true, I was on the path to the Celestial Kingdom.

Where did that leave my brother? ... and my sister who also strayed? my aunts who smoke? my cousin who had sex before marriage and got married civilly at 16?

I thought families were forever.

The hymn that I had sang in church all my life had no clauses in it that said "except your brother, sister, aunt, cousin who all are sinners."

It may seem silly, but I remember sitting in bed at night praying and just crying to God.  Telling him that I didn't want my brother to go to a different kingdom than me, even if people said I could visit.  I looked around at the "perfect" families in the ward where (so far) nobody had strayed and I was so jealous, I wanted a forever family.

Remind me why I wanted the LDS church to be true?

Sounds like a lot of emotional carnage to me.


  1. Yup. That's what I say now. Why did I ever want it to be true? It's pretty ick as I ponder it. Great posts!

  2. Great blog. I feel so sorry for my and my husband's TBM family members who think that their "forever family" is ruined because we are no longer mormon.